The BolehJokes Humor: Something to enlighten your day

Interviewer: Since you're not being appointed into the cabinet, what are you gonna do?

Syed H: Hmm...I think I need to reinvent myself in order to stay relevant. Look at Madonna. She reinvented herself many times and remained so successful. I will start with spending some time with Samy to get some valuable advise in getting a wig.

Interviewer: Why did you order the arrest of Teresa Kok last time?
Syed H: I said it many times already (offended). I WAS TRYING TO PROTECT HER!
Interviewer: What do you mean by that?
Syed H: Chua Soi Lek was watching her! She should thank me instead. How ungrateful.

Interviewer: Do you hate Raja Petra?
Syed H: Of course I do! I am better looking and yet he's more popular. How unfair!

Interviewer: What's your plan of action to regain the Indians' confidence in MIC?
Samy: Well it's simple. I'm going to request for more seats. More seats, more indians will support.

Interviewer: Most people claimed that they despise and dislike you.
Samy: I know. It's not my fault. It's my hair stylist! I wanted to change my hairstyle long time ago but was advised that, as long as I am the MIC chairman, it should remain the same. It's fengshui matters you know.
Interviewer: ????

Interviewer: They are all laughing at you right now. They said that you've been sidelined. What's your thought on that?

KJ: Laugh all they want. I got the most important job right now. I am recruiting youth and I will start with all those Mat Rempits. They can contribute to society. Infact, I've been contemplating for a long time whether to get myself a Motorbike courtesy of the Government's fund.

Interviewer: Previously, rumours has it that there is something going on with you and Maya.

KJ: I look into the mirror everyday and I knock my head against it everytime. Maya is not as desperate as some people thought.

Interviewer: Dr Mahathir has been critisizing you lately, putting you in an unfavorable position.

KJ: I know I am not as good looking as as his son Mukhriz but give me a chance! Being ugly is not a crime!

Interviewer: Was Mukhriz's appointment to the cabinet your arrangement, Tun?

Tun M: Nonsense! He sent his resume to Najib himself with his Dell laptop. Of course, he put my name as the referee which adds alot of credibility.

Interviewer: It was claimed that you are the power from behind and that Najib is doing everything according to your advise.

Tun M: Another rubbish. I didnt advise him to marry Rosmah but he did! That shows that he didnt need my advise.

Interviewer: Muhyiddin said that you are like a "pop star"..

Tun M: I know! If only I am alittle bit taller, I would have remained in Bollywood.

Interviewer: People claimed that you listen to Dr. Mahathir and act upon his advice?

Najib: When you go to the clinic, do you listen to the doctor's advise?

Interviewer: Yes

Najib: Exactly. He's a doctor. What's wrong with listening to his advise?

Interviewer: Why you didnt select Khairy into your cabinet?

Najib: It's the face-factor. I cant help it, ok? It's not easy on my part. As I said, UMNO needs a new image!

JUST KIDDING! Dont hate me ya. :)

TCJ

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The BolehJokes Opinion: Azilah and Sirul sentenced to death

The verdict is final. The two police special action force personnel were sentenced to the gallows by the Shah Alam High Court today for the murder of Mongolian national Altantunya Shaarriibuu in December 2007.

Any human being with a clear mind can only imagine why would these 2 police officers brutally murder an innocent Mongolian girl without any reason at all. It's unthinkable. I aint going further on this.

Anyway, may the poor girl rest in peace.

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The BolehJokes Opinion: What does Najib have to do to regain the support of Chinese and Indians?

This is a trying time for our new prime minister. The results in the 3 by-elections showed a lack of trust and support for his premiership. It shows that it is the direct rejection of Barisan Nasional as a whole and not towards Tun Abdullah Badawi's leadership. At the way it is going, an immediate or may I put it as a drastic change is needed to save BN from further downfall in the next general election. So he's in a make or break situation and a wrong decision will ensure that he goes down to history as the first BN chairman to lose the Government to the opposition.

The good news for Najib is, he will be better prepared for the challenges ahead unlike his predecessor, Tun Abdullah who was in a long honeymoon period after the massive victory in 2004 election and was caught unprepared by the heavy influence of Anwar's return to politic.

So what does Najib have to do to regain the confidence and support of the Chinese and Indians?

In my opinion, he will have to make some bold moves that will probably not go down too well with people in his own party. He will have to be really brave in doing so.

1. Remove the extremists in his party (mainly UMNO Youth members). Pump in new blood into the party and change their mentality to be more open and approachable to all races. Anwar will never allow any extremist to exist in Pakatan because this is his main political agenda. To build a complete Malaysia for Malaysian with no concern for the color of the skin. No matter this is just his political gimmick or it is really his ambition, this formula has worked successfully. This is why he was favored strongly by all. He will also have to encourage the Malay politicians to garner the support of other races. Ultimately, it is better to be loved and supported by all Malaysians rather than just being loved by all Malays.

2. Form BN into one. This will be very difficult as it will mean that the Chinese, Indians, Sabahan and Sarawakians will have to give up their high post in their respective parties and take a lesser role in a united BN. Let's look at PKR. The party comprises of Malays, Chinese, Indians and other races and their success gave a big hint that Malaysians want to be united. By keeping the same format as UMNO, MCA, MIC and others will not work anymore. Going back to the old way of Mahathir's style of administration will ensure further damages. If BN is not fully rejected now, it will be fully rejected in the future.

3. In perhaps the boldest move of all, he will have to select 2 deputies from other races following the same format as Lim Guan Eng in Penang. This will definitely be a jaw-dropping move and will almost certain to return a massive gain for BN. However, he will be in a catch-22 situation as it will definitely not go down too well with Muhyiddin and other Vice-Presidents of UMNO. Infact, it will definitely not go down too well with the extremists in his party. However, this will return the confidence to all Malaysians and prove to the nation that he is really firm in his forming of 1 race and 1 nation. The Malaysian nation. Whatever agenda that the Opposition may have, will not be able to match this. But the biggest headache will be selecting 2 capable deputies. In Ong Tee Keat, he has someone who is still strongly loved and supported by certain Chinese (especially the people in Cheras and Ampang) but Samy Vellu is highly despised by not only the Indians but almost every Malaysians. So who can he select?

Time is running out soon and these are the few ways of how BN can be saved. Question remained as to whether he is brave enough to make these bold moves.

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Tri-elections: Updates and results

It's official! The 'M' factor didn't work out for BN. I feel sorry for the "Pop Star" actually. Haha.

Bukit Selambau
S Manikumar (PKR) 12,607
S Ganesan (BN) 10,232
Majority 2,375

Bukit Gantang
Mohd Jamaluddin Nizar (PAS) 21,860
Ismail Saffian (BN-Umno) 19,071
Kamarul Ramizu Idris (Ind) 62

Batang Ai
BN's Malcolm Mussem Lamoh (3,907 votes) has beaten PKR's Jawah Gerang (2,053). The majority is 1,854.

Polling at Bukit Selambau, Bukit Gantang and Batang Ai started at 8am this morning. I'm gonna do my small part of journalism. Check out for more updates.

7pm: At Bukit Selambau Unofficial results After counting four streams of out 64, PKR's S Manikumar is leading by 578 votes.

7pm: At Bukit Gantang Unofficial results PAS' Mohd Nizar Jamaluddin has increased his lead over BN-Umno's Ismail Saffian. Independent Kamarul Ramizu Idris is trailing far behind.

PAS 7,294, BN 4,670, Independent 17. Majority 2,624.

6.25pm: At Batang Ai UNOFFICIAL: BN wins Batang Ai

TCJ: Sigh..at least it's a 2-1. Was hoping for a 3-0.

6.50pm: At Batang Ai - Latest count: BN is reportedly has increased its lead over PKR to 1,000 votes.Meanwhile, at least three buses with suspected phantom voters have been stopped in Lubok Antu. They are now held at the police station with Election Commission officials and PKR’s Dominique Ng seeking to establish whether they are genuine voters.

5.25pm: At Batang Ai - More unofficial results from the on-going vote count: Gugu - BN 59, PKR 149, Krang Mong - BN 88, PKR 15. BN is still leading.

TCJ: SIGH!!!!!!

5pm: Polling has ended in Bukit Gantang, Bukit Selambau and Batang Ai.

4.45pm: At Bukit Selambau - Tension fuelled as both supporters are having a go at each other.



4.35pm: At Batang Ai - Of the five boxes opened, BN has won four polling stations - Ng Delok, Dewan Serbaguna Batang Ai, Kerangan Mong and Ulu Engkari. PKR won one in Sempang.

BN is leading with 908 votes against PKR’s 356, majority 552. About 20 percent of the votes have been counted so far.


4.20pm: At Batang Ai - Counting has begun for 14 ballot boxes. It's so far neck-to-neck between BN and PKR.

3.25pm: At Bukit Gantang - Blogger Anil Netto has put up a video clip on the teargas incident at SMK Pengkalan Aur polling centre in Air Kuning, Changkat Jering. See the video clip here.

3.24pm: At Batang Ai - Ballot boxes from 14 polling stations arrive at the main tally centre in Lubok Antu’s sport complex.

3pm: At Bukit Gantang - Tension boiled as another bus suspected of ferrying phantom voters arrived causing both supporters unrest. A PAS supporter was hit and fainted after a bottle thrown by a BN supporter hit him. Six trucks of FRU were deployed to restore calm.

2.25pm: At Batang Ai - Although polling is closed in many of the remote polling districts, the vote counting will not be done at the respective polling stations as was the case in the past.
According to the Election Commission, for reasons of logistics and weather, these ballot boxes are to be transported either by boat or helicopter to the main tally centre at the sports complex in Lubok Antu. The votes will be counted there. These boxes represent about 45 percent of the total electorate.Opposition PKR has earlier lodged an official protest because they are concerned of the possibility that these boxes could be switched while on transit. The opposition has also complained of the over-bearing presence of police even in the most remote polling districts. PKR leaders described this as an act of intimidation. According to initial unofficial exit polls, BN is trailing in a number of polling districts.

2.20pm: At Bukit Selambau - Police detained two men this morning for stopping a bus carrying BN election workers.

2.15pm: At Bukit Selambau - 2 more buses ferrying suspected phantom voters arrived. The passengers claimed to be BN supporters.


2pm: At Batang Ai - Unexpected high voters turnout. Both BN and PKR leaders have expressed confidence of winning. Political observers feel that this could end up a close fight with the results going either way.

1.47pm: At Bukit Gantang - Another bus suspected of carrying phantom voters caused disturbance.

TCJ: SACK OF WINE! Will you motherfuckers organise a clean election please. Stop cheating the "Rakyat". Damn it.

1.26pm: At Bukit Gantang - Changkat Jering state representative Mohd Osman Jailu arrived and was labelled "Katak" by PAS supporters. Osman defected from PKR to become independent which allowed BN to seize control in Perak.

12.57pm: At Bukit Gantang - There were unconfirmed report stating that the police have fired teargas at the crowd at the SMK Pengkalan Aur polling centre in Air Kuning, Changkat Jering.


TCJ: Here we go again. As the Great Syed Hamid once said - "Believe me! It's for your own protection"

12.55pm: At Batang Ai - Low voter turnout so far.

TCJ: You know what. Maybe those guys decided that if they cant get support, they might as well make it hard for people to vote. So they make it to weekdays and no public holiday. Clever tactic eh?

12.05pm: At Bukit Selambau - One bus suspected of carrying phantom voters has been stopped by opposition supporters at Gurun.



TCJ: Cant you guys be honest for once and stop cheating? God is watching this election, mind you!

12.11pm: At errr.... God knows where :) : I am taking a break. Be right back in 15 mins time. HAHA. Gotcha!

11.46am: At Batang Ai - EC has decided to transport ballot boxes for 14 out of the 26 polling stations by river and helicopters to the counting centre. Polling agents are not allowed to accompany these ballot boxes.

TCJ: MAH KEH CHAU HAI AR! What's with this? Arranging for fraud again? EC, what have you gotta hide? Why cant agents follow? Bloody fishy!

11.22am: At Bukit Selambau - FRU has been deployed at SM Aman Jaya after a stand off between BN and PKR.



TCJ: Alamak! More gangsters coming! Becareful people!

11.00 am: At Bukit Gantang - PAS candidate Mohamad Nizar's vehicle was blocked and kicked by BN supporters.



TCJ: Beware! Gangster sudah mari!


10.39 am: At Bukit Selambau - Argument broke out between PKR and BN supporters over the location of their tents outside the SJK (Tamil) Palanisamy Kumaran polling centre.

TCJ: Macam budak-budak lah these people!

10.33 am: At Bukit Gantang - PAS seemed more upbeat than their BN counterparts.

10.18 am: At Bukit Gantang - BN supporters shouted ‘Penderhaka' (traitor) to Nizar. PAS supporters reacted by shouting ‘Hancur Umno, Hidup Nizar'.

TCJ: Aiyoh! Anyone who challenge BN is a traitor? What kind of mentality is that? Ada cabaran baru ada kemajuan! Belajar lah celaka.!

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The BolehJokes Opinion: Using Go-Go girls to pull in crowd

I almost pissed myself laughing after reading this. Using go-go girls to pull in crowd. HAHAHA.

Sorry fellas for the long hiatus. I'm back!

In perhaps the cheapest political tactic ever, BN decided to use the go-go girl to grab attention in Bukit Gantang.

Come on! Are they really out of ideas? What's next?

Stand-up comedian?

Maya Karin?

Or Mat Rempit Motor Show?

Who suggested the go-go girls anyway? What a brilliant political adviser you got there mate! Hehe.

I like to laugh alot these days. So pardon me. And I just read this headline below and again couldnt stop laughing.

Why is 'suratkhabar lama' in town?

PKR VP Azmin Ali trains his guns at Mahathir during a ceramah.

"Umno has a new president, a new deputy and there is a shift in leadership. So why must they bring the 'suratkhabar lama' (old newspaper) to campaign?" he asked, drawing laughter from the audience.

HAHAHAHA. SURATKHABAR LAMA? Old newspaper?..... bloody good one, brother Azmin.

TCJ

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